This Ordinary Life

We have the neighbour from hell. Imagine a spinster, mid-50s, works from home as a public relations consultant and has a yappy dog. Despite being a overt Buddhist (we know this from the incessant chanting every morning and from builders who did work in her flat and almost knocked over her alter), we have found out that she has the temper of a rabid dog on heat.

It all started the first day we moved in when we heard her shouting "What's going on? I can hear you!" as we carried our furniture into the building. This has since progressed into periodic ravings and frantic letters shoved through our letter box.

Now this is the point where you should be thinking "Don't normal people ring the doorbell and state what is bothering them if something is out of order?" Well, I don't know if there is something mentally wrong with her, but she seems to wait until she can hold it in no longer and then goes into a shouting rage.

For instance, on one isolated occasion I left my mate's scooter parked in a nook in front of our building. I knew it wasn't ideal, but as it wasn't in anyone's way I thought it could find a temporary home there. This displeased Lady Fingerbottom, who proceeded to write me a letter. Sadly, I wasn't in that evening and didn't receive the letter until the next day, by which time she had already written me a second. These letters claimed all types of violations and even threatened to sick the police on me. Although taken aback, I decided the most sensible thing to do would be to have a rational conversation with her.

Instead of a rational conversation, she spent 5 minutes shouting at me about how someone could have been killed by the scooter and how she would again call the police if it wasn't moved instantaneously. It appears she tends to rage easily as when I later approached her again (don't want Lady Satanbottom making our lives a permanent hell), she was quite sheepish and apologetic.

With this incident resolved, we thought there would be peace. Would you be surprised if it wasn't so? Over the next three months she proceeded to periodically shout at us through the floor (she lives in the garden flat and we are the ground floor flat). The TV is too loud, the washing machine rattles too much, tenderising meat is unacceptable and the list goes on and on...

However, the latest and most infuriating of incidents involves over watering plants that we have on a ledge by the kitchen window. As with many plants, once they have had their fill, the excess water drains out the bottom of the pot. In the case of our plants on a ledge, this water drips off the ledge onto a recessed in front of Lady Fingerbottom's kitchen. Now this area is regularly subject to rain and other forms of precipitation; however, she claims the excess water from watering our plants actually flooded her kitchen and drenched her exacerbating her flu. What does she do when it rains?

Wanting to avert further escalation, my wife proceeded to discuss the situation with her. Would you be surprised if Lady Fingerbottom turned into Lady Satanbottom who shouted and raged? My wife came back moments later fuming and flabbergasted at the verbal beating she had just taken. To make matters worse, a letter appeared through the mail slot a few minutes later.

It again mostly dealt with matters that would easily have been resolved if she had every bothered to ring our doorbell and state what displeased her and various threats, but one section was so entertaining I would like to share it with you...

"I think it is highly unreasonable of you to come down here and pick a fight with me about something which you are entirely in the wrong and then come down here to pick a fight. If I am drenched again, I will consider it a deliberate assault"

Er, when does overwatering plants constitute assault?

I thought leaving her for a moment and then trying to talk to her would again have a calming affect as it did in the scooter incident. When I rang her doorbell about 15 minutes later, she refused to come to the door claiming that I was scaring her with my requests to have a calm discussion about the situation. I decided to call it quits when she repeatedly threatened to call the police on me...

Anyway, following this and thirsty for revenge, I spent the next 3 hours digging up dirt on her. It's amazing what you can find out on the Internet these days and I found out many things such as her birthday, how much she makes, etc. In the end, I did find the piece of dirt that I was looking for which is the fact that she is running a business from her flat which is explicitly verboten under everyone's tenancy agreement. On a side note, I also found out that our flat is listed as the trading address for her business. Slightly worrying!

Not quite sure what to do with all this information yet, but I imagine the best this to do is nothing. Knowledge is power, but really shouldn't be used against the mentally ill...

So all I say is this... "Lady Fingerbottom, I pity you... but if you don't leave us in peace that anonymous letter highlighting all of your violations might still have to be written".