This Ordinary Life

I am writing to you from Phoenix Airport three-quarters the way through my trip to the USA. This is a mostly business, somewhat pleasure trip and I was really looking forward to it. To be honest, I have really enjoyed myself staying at a 5 star resort, the Fairmont Princess Scottsdale, drinking heavily most nights and even crashing Cindy Crawford’s husband’s, Rande Gerber, launch party of his bar, Stone Rose. I enjoyed 400kms of the Arizona desert on my bicycle and even took advantage of a really inexpensive full service to top.

However, during this stay I also became sentiently aware of something else… the USA is no longer the “Land of Opportunity” rather it’s now the “Land of Opportunists.” Perhaps I wasn’t as conscious of it on prior trips or maybe it is the result of an aggregation of similar experiences of the year… whatever it is, this time I really was aware of it.

Let’s start with my hotel… Room was quoted to cost $227, but once you added up the local taxes and other charges the actually price was more like $260. Why can’t they just say the price s $260 and be done with it? Actually, why don’t they make all prices inclusive of tax instead of tricking you with low prices that end up being 5-10% more expensive at the till?

Next was my service… I took it to a really cool place called the Bicycle Ranch and splashed out on the £199.99 Professional Service. This was to entail total emersion in a solvent bath, full replacement of cabling, etc. When I returned to pick it up, the price was suddenly $249.00. Turns out the tried to charge me for everything that was supposed to be “included”. They saw and opportunity and had to try to pull one over on me. I had to then wait 10 minutes while he manually removed each item. When I got the bike home, I notice that some bits were still dirty. Did they even do the solvent bath?

Next comes the restaurant in the Fairmont called Bourbon Steak. The place is trying to be “uebercool” and another opportunity to fleece us was found. The waiter jabbered about the food for 20 minutes completely overselling everything, the food took an extra 30 minutes to arrive, everything had truffle oil this or truffle oil that and at the end they had the audacity to simply slap a 20% tip on the bill. Isn’t service optional?

Let’s take a moment to talk about food in the US as well. Another opportunity recognised and exploited… everything here is processed to high-hell. Nothing really tastes of anything either, so much for if it looks like food and smells like food… it’s not necessarily food!

Finally comes the airport… I am checking into US Airways when a woman comes up to me and says, “Has anyone told you about the $100 Mandatory Sports Equipment Charge?” Um, no, they didn’t nor did Expedia (a US internet travel agent)… Boom! I am $100 lighter and when I asked if my bicycle would get special treatment as a result of me paying the extra money… “No, we take no responsibility for the handling of your bicycle” This $100 fee happens to be on top of the resounding “No” I received from Expedia when I asked about changing my ticket from London to Manchester. Their website and my receipt both clearly stated that I could change my ticket for $100, but when I wanted to do this I was told that the airlines rules over-rode those of Expedia. Why even bother telling people rules, if they can’t even be relied upon?

It seems that everyone is looking for a piece of the action. I also now understand why the debt crisis is having such a deep impact here. It's because the entire economy functions by parasitically feeding of debt. Take away the access to debt and the whole system starves. I think I’ll call it "Parasitic Capitalism"… an economic system where the success of the system relies on its ability to convince people that the need things they don’t, want things they shouldn’t and that the things they have need to be replaced. America really has perfected this system, but sadly they have destroyed the soul of the country in the process…

Note – there are, of course, exceptions to what I have described above and I have many American friends who I love dearly. However, I firmly believe that the country is on the brink of a terminal cycle of decay. A real shame if it comes to that because it was founded on such noble principles... and outcast religious beliefs...

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, apologies for my long silence. Yes, there have been good reasons for this, foreign trips, work commitments and drinking engagements. However, “This Ordinary Life” has not been forgotten and will now again receive the attention it deserves.

Today’s entry is about a new and exciting organisation I stumbled across. The International Federation against Normal People (aka IFANP) was established in the late 1980’s in response to the proliferation of boredom throughout societies around the world. The onset of such technological advances such as sitcoms, the Playstation 3, Internet in almost every home and more recently a highly litigious environment where the individual no longer has any responsibility.

The aims of IFANP are simple…

1. Identify behaviours, systems and trends that will result in people becoming predictable, conformist and boring
2. Counteract these activities through the development of anti-boredom tactics through the creation of new hobbies, activities and pastimes
3. Provide support and guidance to those on the edge of becoming boring to enable them to overcome these temptations
4. Create a network of IFANP supporters all over the world to spread the word and make the world a fun and exciting place once more

Since it was founded IFANP has tried various tactics in the battle against boredom. Remember the pogo ball, Hungry Hippos, the Lambda and Kite Surfing? Well, we can thank IFANP for all of these.

The most recent activity that IFANP are attempting to disseminate is called “Urban Rollo-twitching”. I find this particularly fascinating, because it is the first time that improvisation and personal interpretation feature heavily in an IFANP originated activity.

“What is Urban Rollo-twitching?” you may ask. It’s simple. It combines rollerblading in an urban setting with bird watching. Now it’s in the interpretation of “bird-watching” where the magic happens. For some of us, this simply means to appreciate the waterfowl and other Aves that inhabit our cities while rollerblading. Whereas others will interpret this as the covert appreciation of the female form while zipping by on rollerblade. Either way this activity is guaranteed to keep people outdoors and far away from the boredom created by couch-surfing and Grand Theft Auto IV.

The more I find out about IFANP the more it intrigues me. We all have to agree that society is becoming more boring and in turn lazy. It’s great to see that a group of people have taken it upon themselves to fight back.

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've spent a bit of time over the last months cobbling together some poetry. It isn't much but I find that capturing the moment in a poem make me feel happy. I think everyone has a number of activities that make us happy for strange and unknown reasons (e.g. shopping, watching Family Guy, doing nothing, art, running).

My advice to you is to take a bit of time to find the activities that make you happy for strange reasons. Because if you aren't doing them already, you'd be a fool to deny yourself that happiness!

Posted by this ordinary life at 8:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There is something special about the bond between brothers. It is something that often takes many years to grow. Throw in distance, life circumstances and emotional repression and it makes the resulting bond even stronger. Strong like the oak tree that grows slowly to become resistant to the perils of even the fiercest fire. I am proud to have built such a bond with my brother. A bond that will continue to stand the test of time…

I love you bro!

Posted by this ordinary life at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, apologies for my absence... Going to India ended up being a very different experience to that that I was expecting. So much so that when I got back to the UK, I pretty much didn't stop doing stuff until now...

Whereas I though India was all about inflections and finding peace, it actually ended up being a place to charge my batteries, be awe struck by the interaction of Buddhism and the Ladakhi people and to realise that I need to get on with my life in a serious way. But let's look at each one briefly in isolation.

Charging my batteries - Now the last 12 months of my life have been a roller coaster. From self image issues to family concerns to other stuff, I have been through it all. I realised in Indi that it had been several years since the last time that I was on holiday for two full weeks. I had been so focused on travelling the way that other people wanted to, that I forgot what I love about travelling most, it's different from normal life. What I mean by that is that I live quite a priveldged life. I drink when I want to (sometime even expensive foreign beers, yum!), my flat is clean and modern (a little bit characterless at the moment) and I live in one of the most modern and cosmopolitan cities in the world. When I go on holiday, I want something different. During my India trip, I slept on dirt floors, didn't wash properly for a week while trekking, slept in a hotel room with a ceiling covered with mold, ate the oddest things and was among a people who could tell that I didn't belong there from a mile away. All of these things would probably have bothered me in London, but on holiday it was all part of the adventure. This different charged my batteries alongside the absolutely spectacular beauty of the place.

Awestruck by the interaction of Buddhism and the Ladakhi people - The Ladakhi people are a Buddhist mountain people that form part of the Tibetan culture. Under the rules of Buddhism (which is a life philosophy and not a religion), you are not to want more than you need and therefore you end up living in harmony with your surroundings. Well, the Ladakhi people discovered this balanced state about 500 years ago and haven't changed very much since. Most of their lives consist of planting, tending and harvesting crops like barley by hand together with herding livestock for six months of the year and then spending the other 6 months doing nothing but socialising, drinking chang (homemade barley beer) and surviving the winter. It blew me away to see this culture in statis.

That was until Westerners decided that they wanted to enjoy the beauty of the mountains and flocked there to go trekking. I now hear that up to 30,000 people trek the Markha Valley (the main valley for trekking) and have reeked havoc on the place. As most trekkers are accompanies by horses to carry all of the gear and food, I have dubbed the trail the "Marka Valley Trekking Superhighway of Manure". There is so much manure on the trail that you can't drink the water from the rivers, but if you ever get lost in the dark, all you have to do is follow the smell. Not only are we causing serious environmental degradation, we have also introduced some of our materialistic necessities. For instance, at one home I stayed at, they had no running water, a car battery charged by solar panels powering the lights, they slept in their clothes and washed their clothes in the same stream they drank from, but the had satellite TV! We in the West have a lot to answer for and I don't think the Ladakhi culture will ever be the same.

Realising that I need to get on with my life in a serious way - I am now 31 and have a list of things that I want to do in my life that is so long that I haven't even written it yet. This is directly linked to what I realised, I used to make lists of things to do, but then got so frustrated that I wasn't doing any of them that I stopped. I didn't do many of the things on my list for many reasons, most of them to do with my inane ability to procrastinate, but for whatever reason I am starting to write lists again. It is amazing what you achieve when you put your mind to it. Last weekend, I was invited to a friends wedding in Biscester, about 60 miles from London. What did I do, I cycled there. Why? Because I thought I could and I did. This philosphy is also creeping back into my professional life. I spent so much time waiting for other people to tell me what I should be doing that to a certain extent I lost the motivation and creativeness that makes me me. Since India, I seem to have this back and can already see the positive benefits.

So I went to India thinking that it would change my life. It didn't... because we are who we are and can't fundamentally change. We are prisoners of our own limitations. But what India did do is change my life perspective. This means that I now have a perspective that allows me to make the most of what I can do rather than be limited by what I can't. It might sound a bit strange but its working for me. I just hope next time I don't have to spend 8 days trekking only with a guide and a horseman who both choose not to speak to me and prefer to talk to each other and our evening hosts in Ladakhi creating a bizarre sensation of isolation in me, to maintain this perspective...

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I made friends with my first full-on Buddhist at Christmas dinner last year. She's an opera singer who moved to Germany a few years ago from overseas. At the time, we had a good chat about the Buddhist life philosophy and how this view can be very comforting for those with turmoil in their lives. I didn’t really think much of it at the time.

We didn't keep in touch, but she happened to be singing at an event I attended in Germany last weekend and I thought I’d say “Hello”. Knowing I hadn't kept in touch and that she wouldn't have expected me to be there, I tried on subtle means to get her attention. You know what I mean, small waves to get their attention, mouthing "hey, how are you", etc. Of course, it turned out that initially she thought I was some freak fan (she has quite a few of those) and indeed didn’t recognise me. Luckily, I was able to recognise a friend of hers who had heard about the nice family she’d spent Christmas with and ended up explaining who I was better than I did. To her credit, at the time she had only seen me in a suit and 10kgs heavier, whereas now I was in t-shirt and jean minus those 10kgs.

Apologies for the digression, but a bit of background is necessary to demonstrate that Guru are not self-proclaimed nor do the fall into your lap. It was only after sitting for couple of hours with the opera singer and a friend of hers that I came to the realisation that my latest Guru happens to be a 26-year old Buddhist who's sum of life experiences makes for very sensible advice giving. For whatever reason and irrespective of circumstance, she spouts forth something that makes you stop, reflect and re-evaluate. She doesn't actually give you any answers, just food for thought that enables you to reach a level of clarity that you didn't have before.

I have been lucky enough to have several Gurus in my life over the years. They have helped me see thing in ways that helped me to get more out of life's experiences. If you don't have at least on Guru in your life, I highly recommend you open your mind to finding one. It’ll allow you to look at yourself from the outside and believe me the view is enlightening, if not at times scary.

However, this entry is dedicated to my latest Guru.

“May you have as much clarity in you own life (and your relationships) as you help people others try to find in their own.”

On the road to my own enlightenment, bring on India!

Posted by this ordinary life at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The following is an amalgamation of emotional thought. It is not a representation of my current state but rather an attempt at an emotional purge. I liken it to what opera singers do to train their voices.

It's interesting how in a city full of people you can be lonely. People are all around you, but they neither notice nor register your presence. All it would take to break the loneliness is a comment or awknowlegement of your existence. A smile, bump or gaze would be sufficient to make you feel that the veil of invisibility has been lifted.

It's a strange sensation to go from warmth to coldness within the span of moments. This is my life at present, a pendulum of emotion and sensation. I am no longer aware of how I should feel or even how I expect myself to feel.

It's like living in a fairytale where purpose has been lost and replaced with an uncertainty. Why am I here and what expectations do I apply to my interactions. I work, socialise, train, toil, think, ponder and expect, but what for?

This is among the many questions I am to answer during my trekking in India. Hours of wandering up mountains at high altitude will give me a clarity that is rarely reproduced in the urban jungle of London. I look forward to achieving emotional enlightenment.

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Why does everyone always want a free ride? Gone are the days of people walking hours to go to school, saving up a month to buy some soap and consumerism just being a pipe dream.

We now live in a convenience society that seems to be getting worse by the minute. I openly admit that I happily partake in this phenomenon and my cupboards are full of stuff that I felt at the time of buying was essential or "must have". If I was lucky, I got a dozen uses out of most of it and now I realise that some of it was such a bad buy that there isn't even a second-hand market for it. Anyone want an old Ipaq that is outpowered by even the most basic of today's mobile phones? How about a bluetooth dongle that was designed as not to be compatible with headsets from other brands? Or how about a set of precision stenciling blades?

What amazes me most is that we are so gullible that we buy things we don't need time and time again. I amalgamated my collection over 10 years despite thinking how much useless and impractical stuff I had time and time again.

I have a big trip planned in a couple of weeks to India. It's a bit of a spiritual cleansing. In preparation, I think I'll undertake a bit of a clensing of another sort by selling what I can on Ebay and taking the rest to the charity shop.

Take a look in your closets, cupboards and wardrobes and see if you can't do a bit of cleansing of your own. You'll feel better and might end up with a few extra pounds you can put towards the next round of useless things to buy.

Posted by this ordinary life at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's a strange beast stress. On the one hand it makes people depressed, insomniacs and starvation victims. Then on the other hand you've got people who excel when under stress. They go from mild mannered to hero status and all as a result of a reflex that is supposed to invoke a fight or flight reaction in nature.

I am more than a bit stressed at the moment. Life changes and adjusting to new scenarios take even me out of my comfort zone. It has been an enlightening experience seeing how life continues irrespective of what happens and that we are actually able to control how we react to things, although only seemingly to a limited extent.

For instance, my brother had a devastating car crash now over 10 years ago. I was at university in Scotland at the time far from where he lay in the hospital in the US. His injuries caused him to fall into a 3 month coma and it was a year before he was rehabilitated enough to be released from the hospital.

The first time I saw him after the accident was almost 9 months later. I, of course, was kept abreast of his status and progress by my parents and spoke to him whenever I could. I soothed my sadness with alcohol and mountain biking (no, not at the same time!). However, what really helped me get through those dark months was a visit to an old host family of mine in Germany. As soon as they saw me, they put their two 3 month old babies in my arms and asked me to look after them. All I can say is seeing life in tragedy was the best therapy anyone could give me. The experience is one that I don't wish on anyone; however, it did invoke a change in me that has stayed with me since.

What is interesting is that there have been a number of situations and experiences that have shaken me since that crash and I have had a different reaction each time even though I thought that I'd cracked the "sensible" coping mechanism. Why, despite thinking I was becoming more laid back and relaxed, did still I sometimes react in the traditional way (e.g. drinking, insomnia, etc)?

I think it's because sometimes we want or even need to suffer. It has a cleansing quality like having a shower after something bad happens or a hard run after an argument. It strange that we have such masochistic tendencies and that they are actually to a certain extent healthy.

One thing that I have found out about my newfound laidbackness is that we all sometimes need a blow-out to let off steam. It's just a matter of finding what the healthiest way of doing that is. I have taken up cycling and hope that does it for me. Otherwise, there is always a nice cold pint of Erdinger…

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now I enjoy my music. Music makes you smile on your darkest days and gives you perspectives on situations you never knew existed. Cleaning toilets, running up muddy vales and mundane chores suddenly become enjoyable, life's tragedies a bit more manageable. It’s like magic.

I am not too picky about genre. However, there are certain bands that shine out above the rest. Cake is definitely one of these.

Your day is crap and you need a boost? Listen to "Sheep go to Heaven". Your day is slow? Listen to “The Distance”. Cake pretty much have a pick-up song for every downer.

The only shame is that I once saw Cake in concert at the Shepherds Bush Empire and the lead singer was an arrogant w@nker. Sadly, artistic brilliance isn't equivalent to social grace.

But in the case of Cake, the quality of their music more than makes up for it...

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It amazes me the quantity of foreigners working in fast food in London. I wonder if after spending a few months learning English, people go back to their home countries and found fast food empires catering to English ex-pats. All I know is that if immigration laws were tightened the hungery in London would not get fed.

I was in a Subway yesterday and the range of nationalities, accents and English speaking ability was amazing. Not to mention the rudeness of the fat Essex secretary who was getting frustrated that they couldn't understand her. With the level of her apparent intellect, I would have ignored her as well if given half a chance.

So, if you're travelling to London to learn English, a word of advice. Get some experience in fast food and at least you won't have to worry about getting a job when you get here.

In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying a well deserved foot long Sub of the Day, turkey breast and ham. Yum!

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A good friend of me lent me a bicycle for the last two years. I gave it a good home and it served me very well. It helped me circumvent and avoid innumerous days of tube delays and temperature that you couldn't legally transport livestock in.

However, those days are gone as he needed the bicycle back. Well, at least, until I buy a new bicycle. I already have a very good value bicycle, the Focus Black Forest, but that's a story for another day.

Being bicycleless and back on the Tube, I have noticed something. No, not the sweat deluge generating temperatures or vast quantity of people with death written on their faces. No, I have experience the sensation of sheer futility of being part of the London collective.

What do I mean, you ask? Every person riding in my carriage, my train and my route to work has their own story. These stories are interconnected with other peoples stories, etc, etc. Therefore, by riding the tube to work just once I am exposed to almost an infinite amount of other people's experiences. It is awe inspiring to the point that I am finding it a bit overwhelming...

People say that you are connected to every other person by 7 degrees of separation, but by how many degress of separation are we connected by virtue of association. So many people must take the same train to the same place, perhaps even the same company and never know the other person exists.

If I had the choice to choose a career soley on how interesting I would find it (assume I won the lottery or inherrited a fortune), it would have to be sociology or psychology. I am simple fascinated by the human psyche and the interactions between people.

Everything has a story, a watch, outfit, fascial expression... Take a look around the tube or large group of people and appreciate the sheer volume of experiences shared amongst everyone. If it doesn't make your head spin, suck some helium and talk like a high-pitched small person. That will...

Posted by this ordinary life at 9:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was first introduced to icey cold showers as a little boy living in Iowa, where my family regularly partook in the German tradition of sauna. Now Iowa is a very prudish place and some of our habits occasionally did fall foul with the neighbours. On one occasion, my father accidentally locked himself outside after rolling in the snow. Our resident Lady Fingerbottom (this time a very old woman who never left her house and didn't have a dog. They ended up finding over $40,000 stashed through out her house. We thought she was a witch and were therefore pleasantly surprised that there weren't any lost little boys found in her basement.) was, to say the least, not amused. Not that there was much to see at -10 degrees C anyway.

Anywho, if you are a sauna goer you know that a cold shower is among the more refreshing and healthy things you can do after a session. It gets the blood pumping and is a great contrast to sweaty heat of the sauna. At this point, I must raise an issue about sauna etiquette. You do not wear bathing suits into the sauna! If you are a prude, wrap a towel around yourself, but never bring manmade fibers into a sauna as it is most unhygienic. Secondly, always have a towel in the sauna as people neither want sweat soaked bathing suits or bodyparts leaving behind a pool for the next person to sit in. Now, back to my story...

Actually, cold showers have a much wider application. For instance, if you are the sporting type, you may also be aware that cold showers and baths are a great way to treat muscles after a big sporting session. I used to really enjoy filling the bath with cold water and ice for a long soak after my Sunday long runs during my New York Marathon training. I passed this advice on to a mate of mine who ran this year's London Flora Marathon and it helped him finish in 3 hours, 40 minutes in the hottest conditions ever. I still continue this practice and during a recent ski trip, my post-ski soak was so cold (water came straight from the melting snow on the mountain) I had to yelp like a girl while getting in. Not that that stopped me...

However, you know you are in trouble when you continue cold showers even when there is no sport or sauna involved. Actually, I think 99 out of 100 showers that I take are cold. No, no warm water is mixed in, just the cold tap on its own. I must admit that it does a great job of waking me up in the morning and I find it very refreshing, but don't expect much attention from your partner. For some reason, my love of the cold isn't shared.

Next time you shower, try it cold. If you don't feel refreshed and more awake, not to mention help recover muscles after a long sporting session, you are stranger than I am for having cold showers all the time. Also, in this world of energy consciousness, why save some cash and avoid carbon emissions by not using as much hot water.

Posted by this ordinary life at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Having introduced you to Lady Fingerbottom and then fired off a letter of complaint to my landlord, I thought it appropriate to share with you the origins of Lady Fingerbottom. Lady Fingerbottom is actually the creation of a good friend of mine (who experienced her first antics the day I moved in). He derived this name from Lady Featherbottom from Arrested Development. This is is a great show about a dysfunctional family and Lady Featherbottom is a disguise used by Tobias Funke (pronounce Feun Kay) to re-establish a relationship with his wife and daughter. This attempt is, of course, a spectacular disaster....

Arrested Development belongs to a group of number of relatively unknown comedies that I subscribe to. These shows are guaranteed to lift your spirits on even the darkest of days.

30 Rock - A very funny comedy by Saturday Night Live writer, Tina Frey. Alec Baldwin is particularly good.
Extras - Ricky Gervais's second big hit, which focuses on the seemingly meaningless lives of movie extras. This is where Ashley Jensen found her feet before Ugly Betty.
Everybody Hates Chris - This is the touching and incredibly funny story of Chris Rock when he was young. It takes being black to a whole new level.
Peep Show - so bizzare, it's probably a fair portrayal of general population of the UK, but never say that to someones face.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - If you were wondering where Seinfield came from, well how about a show about the life of it's creator?
My Name is Earl - some comedies score high for originality, others for feel good factor. This one does it for both.

I'd love to hear about other obscure comedies that are guaranteed to please... In my opinion, if everyone was forced to watch good comedy, there wouldn't be any conflict in the world, just a whole lotta sore bellies. Hey, that might also eradicate world obesity....

Posted by this ordinary life at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

We have the neighbour from hell. Imagine a spinster, mid-50s, works from home as a public relations consultant and has a yappy dog. Despite being a overt Buddhist (we know this from the incessant chanting every morning and from builders who did work in her flat and almost knocked over her alter), we have found out that she has the temper of a rabid dog on heat.

It all started the first day we moved in when we heard her shouting "What's going on? I can hear you!" as we carried our furniture into the building. This has since progressed into periodic ravings and frantic letters shoved through our letter box.

Now this is the point where you should be thinking "Don't normal people ring the doorbell and state what is bothering them if something is out of order?" Well, I don't know if there is something mentally wrong with her, but she seems to wait until she can hold it in no longer and then goes into a shouting rage.

For instance, on one isolated occasion I left my mate's scooter parked in a nook in front of our building. I knew it wasn't ideal, but as it wasn't in anyone's way I thought it could find a temporary home there. This displeased Lady Fingerbottom, who proceeded to write me a letter. Sadly, I wasn't in that evening and didn't receive the letter until the next day, by which time she had already written me a second. These letters claimed all types of violations and even threatened to sick the police on me. Although taken aback, I decided the most sensible thing to do would be to have a rational conversation with her.

Instead of a rational conversation, she spent 5 minutes shouting at me about how someone could have been killed by the scooter and how she would again call the police if it wasn't moved instantaneously. It appears she tends to rage easily as when I later approached her again (don't want Lady Satanbottom making our lives a permanent hell), she was quite sheepish and apologetic.

With this incident resolved, we thought there would be peace. Would you be surprised if it wasn't so? Over the next three months she proceeded to periodically shout at us through the floor (she lives in the garden flat and we are the ground floor flat). The TV is too loud, the washing machine rattles too much, tenderising meat is unacceptable and the list goes on and on...

However, the latest and most infuriating of incidents involves over watering plants that we have on a ledge by the kitchen window. As with many plants, once they have had their fill, the excess water drains out the bottom of the pot. In the case of our plants on a ledge, this water drips off the ledge onto a recessed in front of Lady Fingerbottom's kitchen. Now this area is regularly subject to rain and other forms of precipitation; however, she claims the excess water from watering our plants actually flooded her kitchen and drenched her exacerbating her flu. What does she do when it rains?

Wanting to avert further escalation, my wife proceeded to discuss the situation with her. Would you be surprised if Lady Fingerbottom turned into Lady Satanbottom who shouted and raged? My wife came back moments later fuming and flabbergasted at the verbal beating she had just taken. To make matters worse, a letter appeared through the mail slot a few minutes later.

It again mostly dealt with matters that would easily have been resolved if she had every bothered to ring our doorbell and state what displeased her and various threats, but one section was so entertaining I would like to share it with you...

"I think it is highly unreasonable of you to come down here and pick a fight with me about something which you are entirely in the wrong and then come down here to pick a fight. If I am drenched again, I will consider it a deliberate assault"

Er, when does overwatering plants constitute assault?

I thought leaving her for a moment and then trying to talk to her would again have a calming affect as it did in the scooter incident. When I rang her doorbell about 15 minutes later, she refused to come to the door claiming that I was scaring her with my requests to have a calm discussion about the situation. I decided to call it quits when she repeatedly threatened to call the police on me...

Anyway, following this and thirsty for revenge, I spent the next 3 hours digging up dirt on her. It's amazing what you can find out on the Internet these days and I found out many things such as her birthday, how much she makes, etc. In the end, I did find the piece of dirt that I was looking for which is the fact that she is running a business from her flat which is explicitly verboten under everyone's tenancy agreement. On a side note, I also found out that our flat is listed as the trading address for her business. Slightly worrying!

Not quite sure what to do with all this information yet, but I imagine the best this to do is nothing. Knowledge is power, but really shouldn't be used against the mentally ill...

So all I say is this... "Lady Fingerbottom, I pity you... but if you don't leave us in peace that anonymous letter highlighting all of your violations might still have to be written".

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have stumbled upon a very disturbing phenomenon. Across the UK women’s chins are disappearing or perhaps they were never there and now is the first I really noticed.

The problem with noticing something as disturbing as this is that you start seeing it everywhere. I first became acutely aware of the missing chin phenomenon while watching Liverpool's Champions League win over Chelsea (great win Liverpool, by the way!). They were showing images of the audience cheering and there she was, a Liverpool supporter without a chin. I, to this day, don't know it was excess wattle or a severe underbite in her case, but since then I have noticed a crazy number of people with some form of this affliction. I just got back from Manchester where there were particularly many.

Look around and let me know if you notice this too. Perhaps you have a better explanation for it than I do which is "generations of inbreeding resulting in the proliferation of a recessive gene mutation." Where did I come up with that, you might ask. Well, I understand this type of thing is quite common in dog breeding...

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now everyone gives the Germans a hard time for what has globally become know as the ultimate fashion faux pas, socks and sandals. Now I do admit that I have worn socks and sandals from time to time, but I will caveat this with the fact that it was usually the result of not wanting to freeze toes off when insisting on wearing my beloved Birkenstocks on even the most blistery of winter days. A note on that beloved pair of Birkenstocks, although there is do real evidence, I think my mate’s dog ate one. I still haven't been able to accept it is gone and bought a replacement pair.

Back to fashion faux pas... I would like to defend the Germans in coming up with this very liberal approach to displaying underwear (socks are underwear). Do people not like this look because socks are too hideous to be shown (think of how women feel about exposing their “granny” pants) or the fact the letting feet breathe more freely may lead to the wider proliferation of foot odour? I don't know the answer, but I do know this, if the Germans hadn't pioneered the socks and sandals look, we would today be without many popular looks including the very short skirts or shorts, tights and sandals/strappy shoes look seen everywhere this last winter.

Why do I think socks and sandals lead to these looks? Because Germans aren't prudes and their lack of inhibition in showing their underwear (socks are underwear) has enabled the more prudish cultures like the Brits to push decency boundaries themselves.

So the next time you criticise someone for socks and sandals, unless you want to start chastising every stocks n' sandals wearer as well, think twice.

Posted by this ordinary life at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Anthony Bourdin wrote a great book a few years ago called "Kitchen Confidential". This book tells the "behind the scenes" stories of what happens in the kitchen of New Yorks top restaurants. Readers are captivated by stories of how the restaurant industry would collapse if it wasn't for legal and illegal immigrants from Central America, how cooks scrap by to follow their sadistic dreams of becoming a head chef and also how unsanitary some of them are.

Well, I think it would be interesting to write a similar book about the underbelly of toilets in Britain. Be they in train stations, airports or other public venue, more like likely than not they are going to be manky and the country should be ashamed of themselves for permitting them to exist. Many people include the state of toilets when they rate hotels and restaurants. If the UK were rated on the state of its toilets, the rating starting point would be sh!thole and that's before rating its political system, public transport and public demeanor (don't fret, I can be critical as I want because I love the place).

My book would have some great chapters on how janitors just push around grimy water to see if anyone notices, the use of urine scented toilet bricks, gunk stained urinals, the practice of not using toilet brushes, leaving behind little surprises for the next visitor and my personal favourite seeing how many blocked toilets it takes to get people to make formal complaints. There would be a special section on Music Festival toilets, where I now know why people wear wellies (rubber boots), it's not in case it rains, but to avoid catching chollera and disintary when wading through the seas of human excrement that overflow from the portal loos and pools from those that don't bother to use them. I am amazed that a mate of mine is still alive after having to wade through several such lakes in flip flops last year at the Isle of Wight Fesitival.

There would then have to further chapters or perhaps sequels about English hotels with shag carpet in the bathroom and the state of employee toilets at the top companies (there are some particularly fine example of nasty toilets on the ground floor of PWC's 1 Embankment Place and in KPMG's Dorset Rise offices in London). This list goes on: toilets on trains, in British Airways' airplanes, at doctor's surgeries, at the cinema and, and, and... I don't know what it is but Britain love unsanitary toilets. What drives this passion? I let you decide for yourself.

Let me know what you think of this book idea, perhaps it could be coffee table photo book. Believe me, and those whose know me will support this, if enough people think this is a good idea, I'll write it. I think we have a best seller in the making.

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, this entry is coming to you from Dusseldorf Airpot at the ridiculously early time of 5:30. Now that may seem early, but please not that I got up at 3:45. No mean feat for someone that for many years has not been an early riser.

Why am I up at this time? Simple, family... I have just spent the weekend with my parents who have retired to Germany. I get to see them and my grandmother (Omi in German) once every couple of months and am forever trying to find ways to get there cheaper and stay longer.

This includes trying different airlines (BA, Lufthansa and Air Berlin - Ryan Air is a no,no as it only flies to an airport miles away from anything in the boonies, I think it's actually located in Holland) and different flight times. Generally, I fly out from Heathrow around 7:30 on a Friday night and return on the 18:30 flight back on Sunday night.

However, this trip I decided to really mix it up. I got a very good deal with Air Berlin (£78, anything under £100 is good) leaving from London Stanstead (a big shed in the country that has become a 'flight factory'), whch is easily accessible from Liverpool Street Station just around the corner from my office. This flight went out early at 17:30 and returned to London Monday morning at 6:40 promising a full extra two nights with my parents.

Although I did get two extra nights with the folks, it did come at a cost...

1. Getting to Stanstead is an expensive pain in the arse (much like a poorly chosen "life partner"). I had no luck buying discount tickets from the web as all the codes I used to use have been cancelled and the Air Berlin "slight" discount portal mysteriously couldn't process my card (it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up booking 10 round trips!). So in the end I had to buy my tickets from the machine at full price (£25 return), surprise, surprise. Then came the pain of a the world's slowest "express" in existance train that is actually dirtier than some of the trains I took in South America.

2. Deutche Bahn employees are anal. I arrived in Dusseldorf in great time as I had been able to avoid Heatrow's congested airspace. Air Berlin is a great airline (see separate review to follow shortly) and the flight was very pleasant. Add to this the fact that my luggage was ready to collect within 10 min of getting off the plane and I was already starting to forget the sting of the Stanstead Express. That was until I got to the airport train station.

Now I used to always get €50 or €100 out from the ATM when arriving in Germany (these denominations are always only €50 notes for some reason, not very convenient for the recently arrived traveller). I did this for two reasons, one because of my bank, Nationwide, which is such a good bank for travelling that it will get its own blog entry, gives me a much better exchange rate than the currency exchange and two that it used to mean that I travelled on the train for free (Note that this was, in my opinion, the fault of Deutsche Bahn because none of their machines accept €50 notes nor any credit cards and the ticket counter was already closed by the time when I landed. I always intended to buy a ticket and had sufficient funds, but as all the shops at the airport are closed when I arrived and I therefore could never break the €50 and I can't help it that they are too backward to accept credit cards. Conductors on the train used to be sympathetic, but I guess the Bahn's privatisation has put an end to their humanity). Anyway, conscious that times have changed and not wanting any hassles (shops were open so the excuses I historically relied on weren't available), I took out €50 (given to me as a €50 note) with the intention of buying a ticket from the counter at the train station.

Although I had a tight connection, I was the first out of the the shuttle from the main terminal to the train station and b-lined it to the ticket counter. When I joined the queue, I noticed that there were two counters, one for "tickets and information" and the other for "information only". Both were attended although only the ticket selling one had a queue. Although there was only one passenger ahead of me, but I could already sense trouble. You can tell when people in the service industry really aren't bothered about people being in a hurry when they purposely shift into slow motion. Every question asked by the customer has to be answered with a question, long querrying of the computer and a follow on question to any colleague nearby. As the other "information only" counter was free and there was a second "tickets and information" counter unattended, I thought surely he would step up and start assisting as the queue continued to grow with obvious delays to those waiting to by a ticket. When I asked him if he could help, he responded with a broad smile and curt response of "I give information only." Boy, didn't he put me in my place, the little stinker...

Now being a "thinker" I realised that perhaps the nearby cashpoint could give me the €20s which the ticket machines would accepted. So I abandoned my place in the queue which had been leading me nowhere in favour of using a ticket machine.

Having had success at the cash machine and with a €20 note in hand, I sprinted to the machines designed to deliver convenience and efficiency. Would you be surprised that on this day all 4 available machines decided that €20 notes were also too rich for them and they would only accept €10 or smaller?

At the point of almost blowing a gasket and with only two minutes to spare until my train, I rushed back to the ticket counter queue. In good German style (actually this style has since been exported worldwide) I proceeded to mutter and compain about the decline of the German state and all that goes with it. Luckily there was a nice old guy ahead of me, who hadn't been put through the pain I had been, who took one look at me and asked "So what's the problem?". Within 30 second he'd changed my €20 into 2 x €10 and sent me on my way.

Of course, after buying my ticket and making the train (with 10 seconds to spare) no conductor checked my ticket. Aren't some things ironic?

3. After a great couple of day with my parents, it was time to catch my flight back. When I booked my flight, I decided not to worry about how to get back to the airport untilurn the night before, like all good travellers. I wish I would have done my homework as it ended up being another minor nightmare. A flight from Dusseldorf at 6:40 means getting up at 5:00. Not bad, I thought, well as part of the general trend of this trip, I thought wrong. The town my parents live in has a great direct train link to Dusseldorf that travels once an hour at 29 min past. As this takes 37 min to get me to the airport the 5:29 train wouldn't get me there until 6:10 and in this ages of anal strictness by check-in, there was now way I was going to risk being at the airport for a European flight less than 30 min before departure. So, I set my alarm for 3:45 to enable me to get a cab to the train station in time for the 4:29 to the airport.

Steps one (getting up) and two (catch cab to the train station went like clock work). I got to the station with plenty of time to even buy and stamp my ticket. Then came the snag, as when I checked the train timetable there didn't seem to be a 4:29 to Dusseldorf! I had trusted too much in German efficiency and was now stuck at the train station with a valid ticket and no train to catch. The next train was the 5:29...

To cut a long story short, I resolved the situation by throwing money at it. Dusseldorf is actually only a 30 min cab ride from Gelsenkirchen, so a half hour later and €50 lighter I was at the airport.

Moral of the whole big long-winded story is simple, always research travel connections well ahead of time to avoid overlooking important information, it sucks to get up at 3:45 and make a lot of money in life because rich people travel better...

Next time, I'll try the flights from Gatwick. See if that works any better...

Posted by this ordinary life at 5:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yesterday's remark regarding the inherent laziness of the human species put me onto a good idea. I am going to start a new movement... The name is up for debate, but the gist of it is simply to take the path of more resistance as a matter if course.

What does this entail? Take the stair rather than lifts/escalators, cook rather than eat out/use ready meals, walk to the store rather than drive, ask a question rather than be silent, open the curtain rather than turn on the light, read a book rather than watch TV, shower cold rather than hot (this one's loaded as I always shower cold), grow flowers rather than simply buying cut flowers, make art rather than simple buying it, cycle instead of public transport, spend more time of foreplay rather than going straight to the 3 key erogenous zones, the list goes on and on...

What is the benefit of taking this approach? There are many. Saving money, keeping your brain fit, learning new thing, keeping your sanity (using public transport in London is full of trials and tribulations), having a more fulfilled sex life and keeping healthy, just to name a few.

Sure everything might take a bit longer and require more effort, but in the end I believe you will feel more fulfilled. Fulfillment is something that I think may people have heard of, but never really experience (e.g. dead end jobs, loveless marriages, non-alcoholic beer, low fat anything, self-gratification). I think it's time that we started fighting back? Don't give me easy, I want hard!

Therefore, I am appointing myself the leader of this new movement and will keep you updated on my progress. Please tell your friends about this new movement as I am looking to convert the masses. Fat, lazy and convenience seeking people not apply! Who knows this movement may be the answer to the looming obesity crisis, global terrorism and poverty... or maybe not... The choice is yours.... blah, blah, blah....

Hard is the new easy...

Posted by this ordinary life at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

People say its dangerous to discuss politics in general, but I think that people who say that probably live boring lives worried only about how to conform to the massess. These also end up blindly following dictators. I am not one of these individuals and have healthy opinion; therefore, this entry will briefly touch upon my views of the recent massacre at Virginia Tech.

"Freedom is not free" originates from the US and is linked to the loss of lives in wartimes upholding the ideology of freedom. I think that this is very noble and it is important to remember that not everyone upholds equal values and people are needed who stand up for others.

However, "Freedom is not free" can also be viewed in a different light. Trey Stone and Matt Parker portrayed one view in Team America: World Police.

In this entry, I will portray freedom is a somewhat similar light. One where, to truely have freedom, one must accept that that same freedom can corrupt and give individual/nations access to that which they should never possess. Add to that the fact that these individuals/nations are suceptable to rage or impulse, the result is almost always disaster. Therefore I believe that sacrificing some freedom (e.g. the right to posses really big guns that are only really used for killing people or the right to possess nuclear weapons which once again are only really used for killing people, well, also diverting asteroids) is in many cases in everyone's benefit. Why does America think that way in terms of foreign policy, but not when it comes to their domestic policy?

Therefore, I am siding on the side of sensible regulation of guns. Don't get me wrong, I like guns and have shot many in my life, but if I had to give up that pleasure (I don't need to hunt to survive, although I accept that getting my meat from the supermarket has its own issues such as factory farming and cow farts contributing to climate change) in return for less gun crime and mass shootings, I would be happy to do so. Wouldn't you?

Correct me if I am wrong, but humans are inherently a lazy species. Everything we do somehow is justified by "making our lives easier". This tendancy has lead to deforestation, mass obesity, sweatshops and increasingly mass shootings. Isn't it time that we made things a bit more difficult to force people to think of better ways of doing things? For example, if Cho Seung-Hui had not had access to the Glock, what would he have done? Mass body painting, Speakers Corner-esk ranting or continuing to do what he had been doing by expressing himself through writing? Beats me, but I doubt he would have found another way of killing the 32 people he did.

I guess you can't change the past, but what about the future. Europe has sensible gun control laws, isn't it time that the US took a page out of Europe's book?

Posted by this ordinary life at 1:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's funny how blogs evolve. Some evolve out of exhibition (public diaries), some out of necessity (let people back home know what you're up to) and others out of delusions of grandure (this one might fit into that category). Add to this the various stylistc and content limitations and most blogs seem to be a waste of cyberspace. People set them up with good intentions, but as soon as the actually realise that they were fooling themselves they lay fallow.

Isn't it funny how people just don't bother to update their blog rather than deleting it? Well, luckily despite the fallowness of this blog, I didn't delete it as now with renewed vigour (the proof is in the pudding) I plan to share some of my new content with the world.

What brought up the suddenzest for creative writing? Well, actually it was the blog spam that I have been receiving. A good friend of mine said that blog spam was a sign that someone actually could be bother to us your blog to spam the world. Meaning at least some computer algorthym outhere was reading what you wrote.

So over the coming months I plan on revamping the site a bit to bring it into the latest digital age and sharing with you some reviews and stories from London and further afield.

Posted by this ordinary life at 3:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, I think it's safe to say that most people don't like turning 30. For one reason or another, turning 30 is a time when people reflect on thier lives negatively. The focus on what they haven't achieved, where they aren't yet in their lives, what they haven't done, etc. They then choose some difficult task (e.g. triathlon, climbing a mountain, etc) and often time injure themselves or simply give up.

Fifty years ago, perhaps this was appropriate as it coincided with the "mid-life crisis"; however, in today's society where a) more people are starting their lives much later after living life early due to affluent parents bestowing early inheritances on them to avoid the taxman and b) people are doing much more than their conterparts a decade or two ago due to technology and early inheritances and c) people are living well into their 70's and 80's, I think there really isn't much of a reason for the 30-year freak out other than habit and public expectation.

Because society expects it of us and with me turning 30, I am taking the opportunity to do my part. Although my version of freaking out is to generally bottle things up and when I am about to burst choose a mega task that I advertise to all my friends. Some would say I am setting myself up for a fall; however, avoiding bruised pride and the disappointment of all of my friends is one of the greatest motivators I know.

However, a word of warning as you really only have two choices when taking this approach, 1) a downward spiral of depression or 2) success! Being generally very positive in disposition, I usually get away with the latter. Before applying this approach yourself, make sure you are sure which way your emotions tend.

All in all, it will be intersting to see how my mega-challenge, the New York Marathon, turns out. With my 30th birthday in October and the Marathon in November, it'll be anyone's guess (still a lot of training required). But with about $5000 of money donated by friends and family, there will be plenty of bruised pride and disappointment if I fail.

Watch this space and I'll let my know how it goes...

Posted by this ordinary life at 7:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, it is appropriate that you should ask as this will set the tone of my blog and also give you an idea of where I am coming from.

I am an ordinary guy living an ordinary life, or perhaps not... Of course, it really would be interesting if it were that simple. But what is ordinary?

My version of ordinary is being a guy roughly thirty, living the life of a young professional on the mean streets of London, shaped and burdened by a background that involved multinational living and leaving the nest at an early age. You might say there are rumblings of Freudian issues there, but I think it just has the makings of a colourful existance.

I think that I am representative of a large proportion of modern society irrespective of ethnic group or social class, which is why I people may actually benefit from my commentary on the world. If they don't, at least I will have found an outlet for my stories and a source of mild entertainment for my readers.

Many people say "Talk is cheap"; however, I actually think some talk is more valuable than action. Particularly when it communicates something useful to another person. That is the objective of this blog and I hope that I achieve this.

Posted by this ordinary life at 5:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dear reader,

Welcome to my blog. Being new to this avenue of expression, I have decided to take a broad brush approach to what I will be posting. In a nutshell, at the moment this is London-based blog about life, technology, travel, sports, politics, culture and the pursuit of happiness..

Of course, not necessarily in that order...

I hope readers will find this a useful source of information about London, tips and reviews of technology, various rambling about various aspects of life (travel, sports, politics, culture, etc) and also some enjoyable annecdotes about how I see the world.

I don't promise to have all the answers, but I hope you agree that I have a lot of fun trying.

Posted by this ordinary life at 5:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)